This is a letter. It will not have any metaphors or structure- no fancy words and definitely no exaggerations.
That’s huge for me – I exaggerate pretty much everything.
You already know that.
You already know that I’m overly dramatic, sometimes dishonest without reason and often impulsive, negative and generally unpleasant.
The last few months have been both amazing and not so much so.
I find myself incapable of not hoping to have a home with you some day… I lose myself every time I have a crush and realize that no matter what – my heart is yours.
Yes, just yours.
Of course, I am hoping you read this but I know you probably won’t allow yourself to do so because of how that may make you feel about your current journey.
But, in case you do – Please pardon my bad punctuation and or grammar.
Sometimes I find myself working harder than I need to just to keep my mind from wondering about you… to keep from missing you, your voice – my butterflies.
I still get them every time I accidentally call you baby while humming our song when clearing tables or washing dishes or falling asleep.
I don’t want to believe that we’re done.
I don’t …
Now that I know what home feels like, what a community is… I can’t forget how your heart became my first real home.
I called you my rebound once… what a loser I am. No, really!
I mean, I have no idea when exactly I became this self-destructive, but man I wish I could turn back time OR move it forward.
You once told me you believe we’d end up together in the end, and I hope that’s still the case. I hope you still believe that. I do.
I know you’re confused because of what you want out of life right now and I can only hope that at some point you will remember who you want, I can only pray that the person is me.
I have started building a home for us. I am living in a place on my own now. I don’t cook much because it reminds me of us when I do.
I have a couple of crushes.
I’m proud of them in a way. They’re both wonderful people. I get shy when I see them, and last night they were both at the pub and it was mostly awkward for me though I didn’t show it (I don’t think).
I worry about you. Your love for spicy food and how bad that is for your sensitive tummy. Your stubborn resilience which almost outweighs your softness… I worry that you will allow yourself to harden just to “make it”. If that ever happened I would have a funeral for all the glitter in your eyes that the world will never get to see again.
There’s so much love in my veins. So much hope, almost faith.
Please come home at some point:
Please love me again.
Please let me show you that I love you.
I try to convince myself that my love for you is only insatiable because I know you don’t want me right now.
I have loved you all my lives.
I wish I could share the beauty of life with you. I think you’d be proud of me.
I am proud of me.
I am proud of my love for you, and how each day that love seeps through and I begin to love myself.
I’m going places…
But I think I will stay here for now. Just in case you decide to come to the pub one day and give me the greatest gift anyone could ever give me – your eyes.
Be safe no matter what Millo,
And if your heart learns to love someone else; I will celebrate for you.