When a wolf finds a mate only death can tear them apart. What after that?
Lone wolf. In its truest sense.
In the case that a wolf’s mate dies, the living dead wolf will never again mate with another.
Many myths claim that this is why wolves howl at the moon… but can there be romance in wild beings?
I think !
We might be walking upright… but inherently we are all wilderness in a cloak of civilisation.

Of course just because wolves are monogamous, does not automatically qualify the rest of the animal Kingdom as such. Which is also a thing for humans it seems. Especially lately; and I do not object at all; point is : we’re just as wild.

The tough part is that we forget that. We tend to cover ourselves with too much of humanity and too little of nature. In turn it makes us feel vulnerable and soft… weak… afraid… incapable. .. rejected… heart broken… ugly…
Do you have any idea how little time you would have to live if you were in a predatory landscape?
“I can’t do this anymore! There’s no way out for me! I am ugly and worthless..”
The first passing predator would devour you out of sheer irritation… and here I dared call myself a wolf… how arrogant!

For days on end I allowed myself to feel defeated after advising you dear reader; that nothing is impossible… yet at the first sign of trouble I dived straight into my human weaknesses. I suppose that’s ok too because you could say that I am human after all… but the problem is that my soul isn’t; my body is.
Realizing that was like an instant snap back to where I should have stayed – my wolf brain… It was a humbling experience and perhaps I need more of those just to remind me that things won’t always work the way I would like them to…
Not the way I would like them to at all… circumstances are still keeping me away from that moon that my soul howls for each night… especially when the actual moon is new or full.

Never had this wolf been defeated in the hunt … my prey was flesh – my punishment was the gift of pleasure like a spear dampened with Heroin … only so I could take it back and leave with it.
Did it occur to me that I was causing serious damage?
Not until much later…

Now I howl for the one moon I have been dreaming of… that same moon I had to dim by getting into relationships to pass the time so that it was easier to bare… Each time I said yes her face would remain stuck in my thoughts until I erased it with the kisses of another…

That moon…

How do I know she’s the one?

Because even In my dreams my first desire is to simply walk with her… listen to her hum a pretty song… listen to her thoughts and watch her as she walks like at any moment now she could disappear.
My second desire is to hold her hand and entangle my fingers with hers…
The third is to hold her… to keep her safe … to know her sent.
And only then do I dare to kiss her in my dreams… kiss… but only that… For the first time the physical is not as important as the connection…

For this moon.

I will do the impossible.


One Breath At A Time

The problem with moms and dads is that they are unaware of how powerful they are and how much they go through solely for the sake of their children!

The problem with my dad was that he wanted too much to believe in the things he was doing, but he didn’t realize if he’d started off by doing the small things well; that his success would have been inevitable. Don’t get me wrong; he was my hero – but he gave up… and I don’t blame him.

Now understand that giving up doesn’t always mean that you stop working, but real defeat happens when you stop living. When the only thought that possesses you is the need to prove yourself, the need to be independent, the need to elevate your pride because someone else left it rotting with a pile of scrap food under their bed. He had stopped going out unless it was to work, he had stopped singing, he had stopped swimming, he had stopped writing… he lost himself at the bottom of a glass each day and he couldn’t understand why I was so distant… but I couldn’t handle seeing him that way so instead of being there for him, I ran away and didn’t realize that inadvertently I had given up on him too. So how was he supposed to get up, when one of the only people he was getting up in the mornings for had given up on him too?

Please don’t mistake this as a call for pity, this is one of the toughest messages I have had to put into words… but it needs to happen, because if only one person reads this and recognizes the urgency with which it needs to be passed on; it could save lives.

Giving up on our elders is equivalent to giving up on ourselves. My second hero is someone who played a vital role in raising me too; he is my mother’s father. He’s been in ICU for the last week, it all started with a little fall that broke his arm and leg. Being in hospital meant that he could no longer reach for HIS glass countless times a day, so his first phase was Delirium… now Dream has him and Death is waiting patiently to be his friend, to walk with him and guide him until he is comfortable enough to let go. When I first found out, I cannot honestly say that I felt much, because I was angry. I kept myself busy with running, writing, studying… I almost gave up on him too.

Last night, I allowed myself to face some demons. They turned out to be angels because they taught me that sometimes the one thing a person needs most is someone to say,” I am not giving up on you, so before I do – you should never give up.” So I told him that… now it’s all up to him to fight or quit, but I refuse to give up on him.

You against the world (aka:you) (DO WATCH THIS!!)

The magical thing that happens when you tell someone that you believe in them and mean it; is that they begin to wonder why. On first glance they see nothing in themselves that someone else could believe in. That is the precursor to the search, they then begin to tear down their own walls searching for the thing you so desperately believe in. Will they find it? Oh, you bet! Because once their walls have collapsed, they find themselves… don’t understand where I am going with this??



One little step at a time is all it takes.

My step included admitting to myself that I had given up on the one person I believed in most and indirectly; on myself too.

It included selling my bed so I could stop being lazy and start working harder to achieve the things that I aim for, that I am passionate about: the things that scream.”Iva was here!” just by existing, being done or having been done.

Room without a bed

Room without a bed

Unfortunately my photography skills are not all that great but this (and my computer on which I am now creating this blog) is about all I currently have in my room. Each time I feel adgitated and want to drown myself in distractions… I work out with only one phrase on my mind:


Find your demons and make angels of them. It will make the life journey a lot less impossible and unbearable. Most of all guys, no matter how hard it may seem, remember to let your elders know it, they need it more than we could ever imagine.

Howls and hugs


URL for featured Image: http://old.seattletimes.com/ABPub/2013/12/04/2022396558.jpg