Quiver

This is how their Satan whispers

Like willful death they creep in forms of sound waves

Guilty prayers

husky voices in the darkness

 

 

 

 

 

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To all the girls who wouldn’t date me and what makes my partner so amazing

I remember my first real relationship as if it had just ended.

First she told me I was gross for being gay. After that she asked for my number. She then made a point of speaking to me every day until two weeks later : we were dating.

It was excruciatingly confusing. I think what will always bother me about that is the fact that I was just assumed to be someone who had dated before and who knew what they were doing when it came to being with another human (let alone another woman)… And in the end I ended up being left behind because I clearly had no idea what I was doing. All I could do was offer that raw, unpolished version of an extremely infatuated me. 

Let me add a little note here: At the age of 15, I had to start working in order to help my dad out. The only person who knew that was in fact my dad. To the rest of the world, I seemed to be that ignorant  person who got into the party life a little too early and whose then only seeming goal was to work at a bar. BAH ! 

For the most part (and by that I mean my teen years) ; the only cursor I had in life was music. No one attended parents evenings, or checked homework, or even considered to enquire as to my state of mind or emotion.  So this is to be kept in mind for the remainder of this blog. Learning how to love, how to be attractive, how to adult and keep a relationship without any guidance was a little difficult.

I ended my second relationship because I was deathly afraid that it would turn out like my first. I then spent a few years trying to regain it… Because the emotions were still there… My fear had just become hers so; I take full responsibility for that. 

Number three … Lonely number three, was not lonely at all. We met at a friend’s birthday party and we somehow just knew. She was the life of the party and the center of attention. A first year in University at the age of 17! That in itself was something worth falling in love with. To be honest…

I have absolutely no idea why that didn’t work out. We didn’t date… We seemed to just miss each other going in and out of relationships; but it got ugly when my personal life at home started falling apart. I guess no one wants to be with a person who doesn’t really have much to offer in the realm of material things. My mother was one of those people so – I suppose she wasn’t the only one. After that I suddenly became repulsive and out of nowhere I was rumored as a stalker!

What a joke.

The worst part is I continued loving this person for many years even after all that. I will also not forget the time between. As I mentioned earlier; I was a little bit of a lost soul/nomad during this time. What saved me in the end was my job… As lowly as it may have (or may still) seem. There was a night when number three and her friends were partying it up at the place where I work. I was dressed comfortably (I wasn’t necessarily presentable), just comfy. One of her friends swopped some Euros with me . I gave her the Euros and she gave me a beer. I knew I was being cheated, but I needed to at least have a beer while I watched the one person I truly cared about – shut me out due to the opinions of other people. 

Now… That same friend of hers who so kindly supplied me with a beer that evening; saw me and my current partner at a music event a few months back, and to my horror she remembered that night as the last time we had seen each other. She then proceeded to add how “sad” that was and how awful that I worked at a bar. She assumed I had other work because I’d just returned from Germany… And I went to Germany in pursuit of someone else. I often wonder if why people look down on me for that only because they probably will never have it in them, to give it all away and move to another country; unsure of whether it is even plausible to be with this person.

Which brings me here. To this spot. This instant smile that forms at just the thought of my person… And she really is mine. I still struggle believing that sometimes. She truly transcends all understanding I have of humans. I’m a pessimist when it comes to humanity so, she’s a wonder to me! 

I was going to go through every heartache chronologically in order to get here, but I realized right now; that it’s stupid. 

For every girl who thought I was incapable, Rudi empowered me. 

For every girl who didn’t even bother to understand, Rudi has listened to me. 

For every girl who wouldn’t dare look for too long because I didn’t have much, Rudi made a home for me just out of the stuff her heart and soul are made up of.

For every rejection, she gives me smiles and cuddles, laughter, companionship, honesty, trust.

For all of my alone – she is my family. 

Wow it’s frightening … To read my own thoughts and know that soon; they will be solidified. 

So to hell with the things that hurt and scarred and scorched. There is no more need to compare myself to anyone or to be afraid of public opinion.

My person’s reaching out for me, so  – gotta go. 😊