Battle Cry!

Your hair moves on you in just the same mesmerizing manner as the rays of sun which so delicately caress every edge of you;

And I am spent without reservation

against all sane advice

I’m spent so entirely on you that the depths of me spill out with each breath encompassing the very thought.

Let the axes be drawn and maybe let our tongues waste some of the life-giving red on their edges before we start destroying ourselves in attempting to cut our hearts out.

Perhaps there are no naked scenes in my mind of you,

because¬† the spring breath you possess means I’m constantly in worship of the waste-land in me, brought to life by the mere sight of you.

And I am not ashamed to confess that even from eternal distance and space-giving, life-allowing, nonsensical barity – your essence could never lose its insatiable aroma.

 

Could I…

Reach out for your palm for a moment and pretend you’d asked me to?

And if I…

Let you go, promise you won’t ever look back at me…

 

But those sun rays remind me,

when your shoulder shies away –

that there’s no one else who found me;

in the setting of an ugly day.

 

 

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The First Reason Continued

Whenever I would mention you, I’d say something dramatic like,

“My skin color murdered my first love.”

The truth is, you were never there with me.

Seven years of holding on to you, of re-living what I considered my first kiss.

If I close my eyes for longer than a few seconds – you’re there, under that lapa… in that garden where I lived out most of my childhood; your lips and mine seemed to have forgotten for a moment how to exist without each other, and I still remember the sweet scent of you… somewhere between cinnamon, coconut and honey with a tinge of camphor.

Seven years of being ready to take you back if you’d only asked… and you did ask… just to change your mind. Over, and over…

I wanted to get into the details… how loving you made me fluid in my ability to give of myself physically because knowing that was one aspect of me I never shared with you… I wanted to make sure that when you allowed me to touch you – you’d know that I was your home. That your hands were meant to roam the atlas on my skin.

I guess the most disappointing part of the last eleven years; is that after everything – I am letting you go without feeling about it.

I never gave up on you. Not for a second, even after I got over you… I cared and I searched and when I found you; you were so eager to spend time with me; until I realized that you’d never change your mind about me. You have conditioned yourself to have only a negative response to my part in your life… to use, to hurt, to disregard.

So “my angel”… I truly hope you remain blissfully ignorant about the depth of my love for you; especially when I am no longer around for you to hurt anymore.

The first reason

“Hey! It’s Hannah… Hannah Baker.”

For the most part; the last few weeks have been great. Amazing even.

For a few days I was stuck in a day-dream of what I thought was finally reaching a pivotal point with a special person in my life. I got a work promotion and generally… things just seemed like they were falling into place.

My, wake-up call began with much more than having my livelihood potentially threatened…

It seems my heart beats way too fast for any living human to be comfortable with.

I started watching 13 Reasons Why as a point of curiosity…

But it soon turned into an obsession with that one thing I romanticize more than love itself;

death.

No this isn’t a plea. It is more like a confession.

I already know the way in which I will choose to exit; right now it is all about timing. It definitely is not my time YET.

It’s 02:07 a.m. and I am generally not concerned about how many of you will see this as “attention seeking”. After all, I lost a friend because everyone around didn’t see past the stretched out arms.

My arms are no longer outstretched. They are tucked safely underneath my chest, unwilling to be convinced otherwise and aware that at some point they will choose to behave in a way most comfortable with a clean exit.

‘ Settle in, because I’m about to tell you the story of my life.¬† More specifically, why my life ended… and if your are listening to this tape –¬† you are one of the reasons why.”

“my angel” – you are the first reason.