The Day My Mom Acknowledged Me

11 years ago I was kicked out of the house for being gay for the first time.

3 Years ago, my mom was still referring to my partner as my friend.

Today… my mom acknowledged me for who I am.

She’s even trying to comfort me in her own way with regard to the aftermath of my last real relationship.

This isn’t going to be a long blog…

I just wanted to share this day with the world and make sure I always have access to the memory. Even if I’m getting a panic attack as I write and can’t stop crying. I do it quietly – so that no one knows…

Except I know…

And so does my mom.

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Will You Marry Me?

Here we are, my love.

I have set the small round table –

One candle and a pot plant with a card that reads:

P.S. I hope all your dates fail.

The night is perfect, the small fire we made has grown

The waves are still tonight and its grandeur does not frighten me.

No.

There are more terrifying possibilities.

There’s a three-part ring in my shirt pocket and I can’t stop shaking.

“Can you believe it’s been three years?”

Cupid crushes my right knee and I pray to the gods that I say it all right.

“Will you marry me?”

” I know you don’t believe in this – I just want you to believe in me.”

“I love you, will you grow grey with me?”

But the ocean and your scent are all in my head

There’s only toothpaste smell around us and I can barely breathe.

There’s still a three-piece ring in my shirt pocket

But we didn’t make it to three years.

Your tooth-brush will be going back home with you;

and you will never know that every time we brushed our teeth I imagined myself on that giant rock at the beach – asking for eternity with you,

as many times as it took for you to say yes.

 

To The Man With Winter In His Hair

This evening I sit upright at the humble desk in my sister’s office.

Keeping good posture seems colossally easier ;

now that Atlas is no longer a title I cling to.

 

I hold a silver pen in my palm;

it writes my sadness on the lips that press against its cold exterior.

Cold…though not lifeless.

I remember the fingers that placed it on my notebook –

they belong to a man who towered over me like a titan;

sounds like one too – with winter in his hair and an embrace I find myself missing on evenings when a neighbor’s kitchen greets me with memories of slow-cooked chicken.

He wasn’t my father –

even if I wished he would be someone I could feel safe being around,

and for a time…

He was.

 

The visualization of his hands places a plum in my throat;

A karmic gift for hurting his kin;

Atlas is lurking around the bend of my conscience:

To have loved so infinitely

To have caused pain in much the same way.

 

Tomorrow I will build a box for this pen,

I will wrap the pen in linen and immortalize its past,

glorious life.

Perhaps the steel body will remind me –

That winter;

warms hearts when seeing the man who wears it;

smile at his daughter.

 

Bragging About Books

Talking about finishing projects and closing doors has me excited about a thing I did not intend on starting, let alone completing.

This 180page (minimum) release will be completed way sooner than I anticipated. I’m calling it a release because I intend to publish it myself if no one else does.

The last Q&A has me a little worked up still, so I figured that it would be a pleasant break between posts. Q&A posts can easily get boring if done too often so; you’re going to have to keep reading if you’re waiting on an unanswered question. *insert smug smile here*

I am not going to say much about the book itself; except that I am excited – and super happy that I’m going to be fulfilling a life long dream of creating a story with my very own illustrations.

This art project began as a way to deal with my emotions, I then made an Instagram habit of it – which you are welcome to follow @blevskey. Mostly the drawings are self-explanatory and are accompanied by short pieces of text.

The book will be compiling all these artworks in a specific order to tell the story I was inadvertently telling.

I’d enjoy hearing back from you – if you are somehow drawn to it: https://www.instagram.com/p/BwKYDguB0TV/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

https://beanlevskey.tumblr.com/

 

I’d like to know in what order you’d place the drawings.

Stay real and keep on creating.

Iva

Q&A About the ‘new’ Lady

The answers to questions I’ve been asked by friends, acquaintances, and readers since my gender switch from non-binary trans, back to cis fem:

Firstly I’d like to mention that referring to myself as ‘lady’ and allowing for it will most probably take a while to get used to.

Alright so without wasting any more time, here’s a list of all the questions I felt were fair, and probably worth compiling and sharing for the sake of understanding the complexities of “me” if you will.

– – – – – -> So… Are you a lesbian again?

Haha… this one was my favorite because it took me a while to decide what an honest answer would be in my case.

No… If I’m being honest with myself I have never truly been a “lesbian” (also I still think that’s the most awful word anyone could have ever come up with). If I am to be completely honest with myself as well as everyone else… I’d say I identify as pansexual. I know that many people use this term as a fashion statement lately, but… in the last while I have found myself physically and emotionally drawn to all types of people. Especially F2M (female to male trans) humans though I am still and will probably always be mainly attracted to people who identify as female (regardless if they’re M2F or cis fem). There was also one cishet male (straight guy) I briefly fancied recently;

… so; it is what it is. I like what I like and that’s as much as I can say on this topic.

— — —->¬† Are you going to grow your hair?

Mmm… so for those of you who don’t know me well enough – my hair has been short for this long because I have some bad scalp problems. I am currently undergoing treatment and should it improve my condition then, yes – definitely. Not because I’m suddenly going to start wearing heels and skirts, but because it would be nice for a change.

— — — —-> Polyamory / Monogamy?

The second toughest question… I’m not sure right now. Polyamory seems to be a larger truth. Someone asked if I’m considering polyamory because of my longest relationship¬† – I did have to consider it, and I realized that it’s both a yes and a no. Yes because that relationship taught me a lot, and promising monogamy to someone is a commitment I very clearly should not undertake. I didn’t physically cheat but I was dishonest on more than one occasion which is not something I am proud of and would definitely like to avoid in the future.¬† It’s a no in the sense that – avoiding monogamy because of a single relationship would insinuate that I am not even close to letting the said relationship go. This ties in with another question – do you miss your ex? Firstly I hade using that term because it dehumanizes the individual. However, I don’t name drop so I guess it’s the only way we can talk about her without having to make a mess: of course, I do. As I mentioned – she was my best friend. In my eyes, she will always be that person, until such a time when someone else becomes more worthy of that title, which is inevitable since we no longer communicate.

— — — –> Do you think you will miss being non-binary?

This one made my heart race a little and not in a good way. I did not just one day wake up and decide that I am no longer female and in exactly the same way I didn’t one day wake up and decide that I’m not trans anymore. Growing up I always felt different. I always felt like I didn’t belong in any of the two gender spheres… in 2016 I came out as non-binary trans because I felt safe to do so and because I was finally willing to accept myself as I was. My returning to femininity was equally a journey and I fought it … because I was afraid of being seen as someone who cannot make up her mind about who she is; and even if that were true; let’s not forget how many people in general life have absolutely no idea who they are. I’m proud that I’m at least trying to figure it out. I am not suddenly going to stop being me.

 

Part 2 of the Q & A will be published soon.

Le Anatomie Illusoire

You speak of playing with pebbles

your perfect fingers stroking their glassy exterior until calm.

I imagine my body shrinking to a blue crystal size

being transferred from index to middle…

from middle to wedding-

the way I sometimes imagine you pressing piano keys.

 

Conflicted;

My hand wanders along the edges of my most confusing body parts.

Skin cold and firming,

though soft with the gentle brush of ungroomed, stray hairs.

I don’t feel like a woman though I am made of more femininity than I know what to do with.

 

What questions have I not tried etching out of my skin;

out of my deepest peace and pieces

until shuddering explodes through the innermost in…

 

These muscles and tissues –

of what use are they without enough brain for ideas?

Is Brain worth much without Soul for direction?

Am I a perfectly balanced confliction?

Or do I yearn to be lady enough

to be the pebble in your palm?

 

 

The coming of age

Ode to the orgasm,

first experienced and allowed on the forefront of biased classrooms.

Ode to the girl,

brave enough to take what is hers where most would not even dare think of it.

History was my favorite subject;

I guess the mumbles of terrible choices were only enough to rediscover what the meaning of moist is.

And I was the only spectator –

always anticipating the gently slanted thighs on her chair.