Rosary

Prayers smooth over the glass-beads of my eyes,

palms paired in an attempt to preserve your grace,

my salvation suspended on the verge; between my thoughts and your tongue.

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Python

There is nothing in this world but mist,

blanketing over exposed convulsions and…

lulling our lungs to calm against our raging will.

 

Calm is a universe,

so separate from this -me-

so presumably occupied that it is left to loneliness in Her sadistic romance.

 

Worn out;

Our eyes struggle to make home within our mist,

they remain closed in wakeful struggles –

never seeing the colors surrounding our often too narrow grey paths which;

in the arrest of guilty breaths all lead to one central eden.

 

This guilt,

this… gift;

received with so little resistance is often no more than a domesticated python.

So why not tame it?

Re-name it… make it yours… own it and see;

a python does not revel in eating souls as a hobby.

My First Poem

I am unashamed to say that every love was my biggest.

That is to say;

No one else mattered when I was yours,

besides…

I hadn’t even noticed that we weren’t the only ones.

There are only one-and-only moments…

So I made the best of ours and then carefully stashed them away in my garage

full of “special memories”.

 

At midnight you walked into my room,

your eyes were a river source,

your hands – what propel earthquakes.

You stretched out your arms towards the stars on my face

and I wished I could wipe the honesty off your eyes – it cannot be unseen;

the deep breath in my ear will not go unheard and

the pulse between my thighs is feeling itself so bad

I imagined you proving it wrong with your mouth.

 

There is a plum in my throat and you are kissing her.

This pulse between my thighs turns into

an accidental spray of chili-pepper juice behind my eyes;

and you tell me she has enough milk to heal all of the blind.

 

I’d rather go meet Morpheus in the darkness and remain there.

I’d rather not hear that you know I know how to love you best of all.

 

I’d rather go blind than to have seen that truth behind your longing stare.

 

At midnight…

After you walked into my room; the ball and chain off my heart finally broke the link with their weight, and I am willing to praise you for this act of grace.

Come save me while you break her heart,

Come heal me while she bleeds all out,

Come kiss me while she’s turning blue,

Let past death birth our future.

 

Let’s be the only ones

Let’s have our one-and-only moments…

Let’s play them on repeat, press record, produce and own them.

 

The road to awe…

Be the journey I would choose even if I had a million tries…

 

I am unashamed to say that;

Every love was my biggest one.

Nil Sa Saol

24/01/12 20:24

 Dear diary

‘I saw the gap again today, while you were begging me to stay….take care not to make me enter because if I do, we both may disappear’

There is no love in fear

My biggest fear is fear itself. Anger is not only an emotion but an anchor; an ointment to still the throbbing of our wounds. This tourniquet absorbs fear like a supplement and thus it grows and rules leaving no space for reason or compassion, yet it is passionate and loving.

We’ve fought many battles… It is a struggle as the self breathes down my neck hoping that I may slip up and give her gap to surface again. I can never merge with that self if I am to fulfill my curious purpose.

15/07/1994

Dear Diary

‘I will choke until I swallow… choke this infant here before me. What is this but my reflection? Who am I to judge or strike you down?’

There is no love in fear

There is no escaping the monsters although I’m not entirely sure that they are real. Toys are extras in this thriller of incapability. Strawberry is my doll; I hold her face right next to my own then turn to look into my mother’s mirror. Strawberry’s face is vibrant and bright next to my own dull reflection. Through the mirror I see how small I am compared to the vast space filled with scattered furniture… it’s been so long and she still hasn’t called, my own mother doesn’t want me. I smothered her with all my love so she left, to teach me a lesson, so that I may know anger and resentment.

It distorts; the face that used to smile is dark, my eyebrows clamp together and a tear rolls down my cheek. This chest starts throbbing and my throat is tight and lumpy, mimicking my fantasy as I seek the strength to choke this reflection to death. I know anger so where is she?

In my mind I smell her perfume; she reaches out, touches my face and the anger subsides.

She may be gone but I am hers and therefore I must take care of this girl and overcome the longing to hate, judge and hurt her petite infant.

But you’re pushing and shoving me.

You still love me, and you push it on me.’

“Gin!”

No! It can’t be.

This was it?

“Gin, honey? Mommy’s home!”

I am stumped and my throat tightens some more. In a split second the self takes over with an emotionless expression.

“Aww sweetie! Come here, mommy’s home now and she isn’t going anywhere.”

Most little minds would be thrilled, happy, crying. I want her to get away, to stop touching and smothering me, I have so many questions…

“Say something baby, come on… mommy’s missed you she loves you so much. Hug me now will you?”

She clutches onto my clothes and pulls me, she pushes me.

(At that instant I knew; I knew what fake smiles looked like… I knew how to lie!)

“It’s ok mommy!”

The anger burns through my veins as I slowly get closer to her with a hug.

“That’s ok mommy, I love you too!”

11/04/2009

Dear Diary

‘Rest your trigger on my finger

Bang my head upon the fault line.

Take care not to make me enter,

‘Cause if I do, we both may disappear.’

There is no love in fear

Memories are the music videos of our past, only the instrument that triggers them is not a remote, no one hears your mind slipping way back as the faint smell of humidity fused with medicine kills your perception of time. It thrusts you right back into the arms of that dark, daunting space of yourself as your half grown hands shove at your Dad’s lifeless body for the last time; the smell takes me right back to when I stood there not even wanting to hold her back… I needed her darkness and anger; I needed not to feel pain. It was an easy goodbye, no tears… only that invisible rope around my throat. I don’t remember the last time I told him that I love him, but he knows now…I really hope he does.

‘Slipping back into the gap again, I’m alive when you’re touching me…

Alive when you’re shoving me down.’

My pillar faded with the sunset today, he lay as obedient as I had ever seen him in the ambulance as they drove off. The night brought with it the comfort of the arms I had longed for. I look for anger, I turn my heart inside out to try and bring it out, but her hands soothe and nurture, and for this moment she loves me again. I can’t breathe as she suffocates me with the arms of peace and the breath of mist, she responds to my body and I am willing to gasp just like this for as long as I live.

‘But I’d trade it all for just a little bit of peace of mind’

Hers are the eyes I look into as I force my own to open up. Our love remains nothing but a stolen moment as she sits up and calls me ‘friend’. There will be no peace now in my mind or in my heart so the two of me rise and walk away.

26/02/2011

Dear Diary

‘Put me somewhere I don’t want to be;

Seeing someplace I don’t want to see;

Never want to see that place again…’

There is no love in fear

There are shadows along the wall and they seem almost synchronized. I recognize them and I move along knowing that one of them is mine. I close my eyes and I go back into the forest where the ‘Jedi’ mind pulls me out from the tombs of ‘Krom’*. My body feels pleasure while my spirit cries and I am afraid to stay in the forest, afraid to taint the purity I found. Self registers spirit and recognizes the undeniable bond between fog, magic, love and fear. Reality is hot, wet and dirty, oh but now I know… concrete, ancient truth.

‘If when; I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay, you minimize it anyway then; I must persuade you another way.’

A woman’s silence says much according to her circumstance. Shakespeare is resurrected through the movement of my lips while the self attempts to choke and kill contentment. I see the gap I have left and I know the war is inevitable just as I realize that this battle will be the last regardless of the outcome.

24/01/12 23:59

 Dear Diary

 

‘Staring down the hole again

Hands upon my back again

Survival is my only friend

Terrified of what may come’

There is no love in fear

Education is the artillery with a lifetime guarantee and language is the indestructible force barging bravely through borders, barriers and between cultures, enabling a leniency towards others and their spirituality or the lack thereof. The old self turns her back to me, and the new self synchronizes with the movements of the old. Fear is now a polka dot skirt around the two, walking hand in hand with certainty.

A rainbow is most prominent in the act of letting go, of coming to terms with one’s own heart which loves, hates and sins even in purity…until the colours mix to create our own shade of grey.

‘Just remember I will always love you; even as I tear your throat away, but it will end no other way’

 

Darkness is the product of light when light willingly goes back to sleep in order to heighten the appreciation for both in amongst all living things.

You must go where I cannot,
Pangur Ban, Pangur Ban,
Nil sa saol seo ach ceo,
Is ni bheimid beo,
ach seal beag gearr.
Pangur Ban Pangur Ban,
Nil sa saol seo ach ceo,
Is ni bheimid beo,
ach seal beag gearr.
  – **

Life is mist. Life cannot be without a beating heart, yet mist cannot be without fear, just as a heart cannot beat without love.

 

*Krom – ref: Irish Myhology
 
** Aisling’s Song – http://thesecretofkells.wikia.com/wiki/Aisling’s_Song
 
Ref: Tool – Pushit (Salival 2000) lyrics

Your own… Personal… DADA!

“Anti-Art” were the words used by Hans Richter to describe the movement that was DADA. This was because the movement was the complete opposite to art and DADA went against everything that art stood for.

Where art was based on traditional aesthetics and such; DADA ignored tradition and aesthetics.This was the reaction of the creative population towards World War 1. ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth’ by Wilfred Owen almost immediately springs to mind when pondering upon the rise of DADAISM.Throughout his struggle to keep alive, Owen created a lot of his own kind of DADA. Now we need  not get confused since the movement included mainly: visual arts, literature, poetry, art manifestoes, theatre, graphic design and many more.

DADA is not limited… the point is that there are no rules, a total artistic freedom.

Postmodernism, Pop Art and a lot of other lovely things indirectly sprung from this movement. Figuratively, this was the breath of fresh air after the war, the knitted pieces of broken people recreating what had been lost to them in the kind of silence that screamed at the rest of the world.

It is said that one of the origins of DADAISM is associated with the Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich…[for more on that visit: http://www.dada-companion.com/cabaret/].

Enough of the theory… this blog is about personal DADA.

All our routine activities have the potential to be more enjoyable, beautiful and artistic. Brushing your teeth, making your bed, making breakfast… eating that breakfast, the way we walk, talk and act… those are all routine habits that one could easily begin to appreciate and enjoy more if we actually put ourselves into them…

Try using the back of the toothpaste tube to apply the paste to your brush… or humming the Adams Family theme song while you do it or sing ‘ This Is Hallolween’ if it will make you feel more cheerful. Living life can be as wonderful as painting is to those who (like myself) are no good at it. There are no rules when it comes to being yourself .

Many people may not even be sure as to who they are, and even then I say: Make your own, personal DADA. I must add that your own kind of DADA does not necessarily have to be cheerful if that is not who you are or how you feel… Once again there is complete freedom to create any form of art inspired by any and every emotion that one goes through. I for one have a different walk when I am sad as opposed to when I am happy. I do things differently when I am in a different mood and to an extent everyone does, only we do not really notice it.

Try picking up  the empty coke can the next time you walk down the road… think about what your kind of DADA with regards to this can would be. Throwing it into the nearest bin by the way also counts! The next time you go shopping try buying something that you would feel totally comfortable in and try not think about what it looks like but rather if it is the kind of the thing you could sit in/wear/sleep in for days at a time if needs be.

Try sprinkling a bunch of mint leaves on your pizza the next time you order one.

Eat DADA, draw DADA, write DADA… live DADA.

Be different by being you… whoever said that you cannot be goth,hippie, religious and gay all at the same time? You can be a nerd and still be cool and vice versa. There are no rules and no impossibilities; I often say how I wish people would stop adding the word to the dictionaries.

I was always fashionably in trouble when I was in high school. I broke the rules that did  not suit me, but always in such a way that I never really got into any kind of trouble for my actions. I often disagreed with my teachers and I would get away with it because in the end we would have a factual debate and often I’d come up with a better argument.  I never really had any real friends at school and yet most people knew me. I was the gay, fashionably rebellious, soft, caring and friendly girl with the strangest sense of style and the nerve to wear a mow-hawk on school grounds (or so I’ve been told). I wrote essays that my teachers never really enjoyed reading but had to give me credit for regardless. Yet I loved my school and my teachers, so much so that I want to go back to the place as a teacher and hopefully one day I will create one such establishment of my own.

My ultimate form of DADA would be to teach it in an institution for the alternative and traditional arts, languages, sciences etc.

Possibility means scope and variety and the space to mess up and try again without having to erase or rewind. There is so much more I wanted to say… I guess I’ll have to come back to it.

Until then…

Make good (DADA) art!