Heritage Day

Today is my last day


I manage to crawl off the bed that ceased to be coupled almost a decade ago

then land in my still relatively tiny bathroom, though my own physique seems to be shrinking by the second now

I look up at my reflection and I realise the purpose of mirrors

There is a headline,

my face

wrinkled and grey beneath its letters seems to unfold like an over ripe flower without ever having been touched

it says;

Heritage Day

I shuffle along until I trip over the now almost dry white board marker and I begin the list:

One: I inherited the dark lines of deceit off my mother’s core

Two: I learned how to live with being a liar

Three: I came as a foreign being full of love

Four: I was denied love but I’m still leaving filled with only those four letters

Five: Life was beautiful though the darkness is always the beginning of a new story

Six: I inherited the art

Seven: I will never forget


I rinse myself off and decide that it would be better to leave full of hope

After all

3 months before they expected me I was ready

13 years before I was

they weren’t

my family


The wardrobe whispered the call of majesty

I obeyed my longing eyes

past the dioors and my goodbye suit

I found the two letter phrase barely in disguise and I remembered why

Heritage day:

One: I learned how to judge myself better than anyone had ever judged me

Two: It wasn’t always sunny

Three: How to fake the smile through heartache

Four: How to cause the same

Five: My clothes are cheap

Six: I am unworthychocolat_l

Seven: I knew this each time we made eye contact… after all; we are self proclaimed judges


So neat, tidy and fresh I walk towards the lonely seat and the non functional tv

and on the top right hand corner of the screen

A phrase in white paint screams out at me

Heritage Day:

One: My skin colour murdered my first love

Two: I inherited the skill of not caring much for those attributes

Three: My father Died of a broken heart

Four: You saved mine

Five: Our life was puzzled together by vibes and muted sentences

Six: In the end, my quirks were irrelevant and your were my indica

Seven: I fell eternally asleep with the very thoughts that days and nights before had always haunted me.


Palm on palm now

My eye lids find their space

No tears left in me

My heritage day is eternal

and I only grew to know that the moment I looked into you!






One Breath At A Time

The problem with moms and dads is that they are unaware of how powerful they are and how much they go through solely for the sake of their children!

The problem with my dad was that he wanted too much to believe in the things he was doing, but he didn’t realize if he’d started off by doing the small things well; that his success would have been inevitable. Don’t get me wrong; he was my hero – but he gave up… and I don’t blame him.

Now understand that giving up doesn’t always mean that you stop working, but real defeat happens when you stop living. When the only thought that possesses you is the need to prove yourself, the need to be independent, the need to elevate your pride because someone else left it rotting with a pile of scrap food under their bed. He had stopped going out unless it was to work, he had stopped singing, he had stopped swimming, he had stopped writing… he lost himself at the bottom of a glass each day and he couldn’t understand why I was so distant… but I couldn’t handle seeing him that way so instead of being there for him, I ran away and didn’t realize that inadvertently I had given up on him too. So how was he supposed to get up, when one of the only people he was getting up in the mornings for had given up on him too?

Please don’t mistake this as a call for pity, this is one of the toughest messages I have had to put into words… but it needs to happen, because if only one person reads this and recognizes the urgency with which it needs to be passed on; it could save lives.

Giving up on our elders is equivalent to giving up on ourselves. My second hero is someone who played a vital role in raising me too; he is my mother’s father. He’s been in ICU for the last week, it all started with a little fall that broke his arm and leg. Being in hospital meant that he could no longer reach for HIS glass countless times a day, so his first phase was Delirium… now Dream has him and Death is waiting patiently to be his friend, to walk with him and guide him until he is comfortable enough to let go. When I first found out, I cannot honestly say that I felt much, because I was angry. I kept myself busy with running, writing, studying… I almost gave up on him too.

Last night, I allowed myself to face some demons. They turned out to be angels because they taught me that sometimes the one thing a person needs most is someone to say,” I am not giving up on you, so before I do – you should never give up.” So I told him that… now it’s all up to him to fight or quit, but I refuse to give up on him.

You against the world (aka:you) (DO WATCH THIS!!)

The magical thing that happens when you tell someone that you believe in them and mean it; is that they begin to wonder why. On first glance they see nothing in themselves that someone else could believe in. That is the precursor to the search, they then begin to tear down their own walls searching for the thing you so desperately believe in. Will they find it? Oh, you bet! Because once their walls have collapsed, they find themselves… don’t understand where I am going with this??



One little step at a time is all it takes.

My step included admitting to myself that I had given up on the one person I believed in most and indirectly; on myself too.

It included selling my bed so I could stop being lazy and start working harder to achieve the things that I aim for, that I am passionate about: the things that scream.”Iva was here!” just by existing, being done or having been done.

Room without a bed

Room without a bed

Unfortunately my photography skills are not all that great but this (and my computer on which I am now creating this blog) is about all I currently have in my room. Each time I feel adgitated and want to drown myself in distractions… I work out with only one phrase on my mind:


Find your demons and make angels of them. It will make the life journey a lot less impossible and unbearable. Most of all guys, no matter how hard it may seem, remember to let your elders know it, they need it more than we could ever imagine.

Howls and hugs


URL for featured Image: http://old.seattletimes.com/ABPub/2013/12/04/2022396558.jpg


Well done!

You have successfully taken the first step to truly improving your state of being, and as cliche as it may sound: there is nothing in the world that can or will change if you are not willing to take responsibility for your life.

Let me start off with explaining a bit about being part of the Black Eyed Wolves community; it’s a passion! If you remember nothing else about this space, it will suffice to know that if your passion is in check (even though it may need a little spark) then you will do just fine with us.

Alright now secondly: I have no intention to be politically or religiously correct – what does that mean?


It does not interest me what your beliefs, skin-color, religion or gender you are or think you are – I will communicate with you as if I am communicating with my inner self; without a filter and without sparing any harsh truths. My aim is to try (even if on a minimal scale) improve the state in which we are and which we have projected on to our Earth as whole.

A wise person once said to me that we do not need six degrees to be teachers, healers or anything we have ever dreamed of becoming, so here it is: WE ARE ALL LOST AND IT IS GREAT!


Because this means we now have one of two choices; sit back and keep moaning and complaining about how shitty our circumstances are, how corrupt our government is, how little nutrition there is on the shelves in shops these days, how racism is terrible, how people are mean … OR… we could take responsibility for our own lives and actions and the way we treat not just one another, but also our surroundings, the animals we encounter/own(here I must add that I dislike having to use that word to describe the relationship, between a human and the animal that lives with the human)/ work with… the trees with staples through their barks that we just walk past, the disgusting amount of litter around us… our depression… our bodies… our minds and souls – there should be no one else held accountable for those things but YOU.

Yes I am a hypocrite. Up until a few days ago I was still moaning about my circumstances… the only thing running through my mind was; “I hate my surroundings, I hate my circumstances!”. I felt sorry for myself and found 101 excuses why there was nothing I could do to improve my own life. So it carried on; day in and day out I pretended to like my job, because well a job was better than no job and in the meantime I became more and more miserable, snappy and just all round unpleasant. We may not realize it, but we’re all that painfully negative most of the time too… so I got up the one morning after exploring forests in a different shape and mind, and I thought that there is no reason why a human cannot attain the peaceful, quiet determination of a wolf or a bear or a dragon (although they are not of the most silent creatures); but whichever works for you – and even if you don’t believe in that side of things then ponder on what is actually stopping you from being the best person you can be?


Realizing that, I set out to go for a run… but a real run; the kind of run that makes your heart and soul clench and brings tears forth by the end of it because you now broke the boundary that you had subconsciously set for yourself: it is commonly known as; ‘ I cannot ‘.


There is absolutely nothing in this world that YOU cannot do. Nothing. I need you to try and wrap your brains around this concept. Your own mind is the only barrier keeping you from real development (and I know that you’ve heard this before) which is why Black eyed Wolves will be a series of practical lessons or rather demonstrations with a lot of interaction between you and you and well ultimately you.

My invitation to you is to get up right now and go outside and climb that tree you know you cannot climb, put on your running shoes and run to your friend and apologize for the fight you had the other night, excuse yourself for an hour and go run as fast as you can around the block; but whatever you do keep going… you do not have to be the strongest or fastest but you need to push yourself… and tomorrow when you knock your toe against the couch leg and you spill coffee all over your dress and your boss moans at you and your spouse threatens to leave: OWN YOUR PAIN, harness it, but whatever you do , DO NOT allow your pain to own you. Instead go out and do something you never thought you were capable of doing, push yourself but most importantly : believe in yourself. Stop being afraid of being the best you can be simply because it is scarier than being average.

I am sending my heart out to each of you:

Now get up

Do it



You are never alone.

All my love


URL for featured Image: http://www.bravenewbiz.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Lost-at-sea.jpg